Me: "To appreciate what love I already get instead of focusing on what love I do not have."
Kadesh: "Yes, exactly. Be grateful for what you have now and cherish it, love it, embrace it like no other for it is YOURS. Embrace where it has came from, where it derives from and build off of that."
The conversation with Kadesh rings in my head. It is met with a sigh from my inner me. My long held desires for fulfilling my core wound and cavity where love was replaced by lust at a young age. Of course I desire to have love, companionship, someone to help he navigate Midgard a bit easier. To also assuage this feeling that is like a persistent gaping wound stung by exposure and wind on a constant basis.
This is not easy for me to talk about. My desires in the previous paragraph is the easy fantasy way. In my life, I never seem to want to take the easy way. Just like my decisions on what trails to walk; I always gravitate towards the hard path. So guess what? It is not time or the way for me to fulfill my desire.
Instead, I must do my inner work. I once asked a gypsy-ish friend of mine, Oma from New Mexico, what the secret of finding love is. We were walking on a very spiny hillside, pricks and barbs eager to penetrate us as we searched for a place on the scorched earth to sit and talk. The innuendo is not lost upon us, we inwardly chuckle as we found a spot to sit and burn our bums.
Oma: "Peter, the secret is this. People who have declared that they lack love will only look for those who have love in the first place. You, yourself must have love in order to attract others. You cannot lack in this respect."
My body resonated with this answer, as my soul, my essence affirmed the truth of Oma's answer. That should have been a hint for me to take back then. Three years ago that moment took place.
I didn't take the hint, apparently.
So, where do I start to take to heart the advice to come from my conversation with Kadesh?
As I type this, I have the thought that the Chaosrider, my guardian and teacher, would say to me: "It is about time you start to take this seriously. Remember the primary value: Take everything that could be used against you and turn it into a source of strength and determination towards the advancement of your personal glory!"
I shall start by recounting what I can of my past with love; why I replaced it with Lust at such a young age; and look at them anew from the standpoint of my conversation with Kadesh. Look at them as pieces of what love I do have; alongside all of the straightforward love I did receive in my life. If I am gonna build and cherish what I do have; then I better start with collecting the puzzle pieces within my reach.
* My mother told me the story of my incarnation birth. She was visibly pregnant with me when her boat was attacked by pirates and her life was spared; and ended up being the sole survivor. She says her being pregnant saved her. The puzzle (universe) loved me to have that strange intervention.
* The doctor who performed surgery on my eyes to remove my jet black cataracts right at birth; which was a very unusual decision. This was love to help give me the gifts of the unseen sight and far-sight abilities; and the emotional makeup to navigate the world as I do.
* My father was a man who had lots of love to give; but it would always come out as anger due to issues he had; and a past he never shared. I inherited this anger; and it fuels change when it is truly necessary. A gift I feared; and did not see it for the blessing it is. Love at its most indirect.
* Bullies that led me to discover my capability and power. I feared this for so long, as it was expressed in my most non-self way. Yet, looking at it now, is a capability I can use and do as other things. Love in its most disguised.
* My mother telling me: "Nobody will ever love you, except for me." I took it as a curse for many years. I can turn that around as an stable rock to do my inner work from; and build up my own network of love instead. Love given as determination if I choose so.
* My mother. Although she was emotionally abusive; she did care for me and as a parent; she endured the thankless task of raising me for the majority of my early life; and endured my many rebellions and humiliation from others because of me. She has repeatedly told me she does what she does so that I would have a better life than she did. I believe it. I don't agree with many of her choices, but I believe she believed she did. She shall never be in my life again; but nonetheless, I am grateful for the love she had for me. Without her, I would not have the emotional makeup and the fortitude I have in this present moment.
* Every single person who has ever helped me with something; from principals sweeping a major incident under the rug; to elementary school teachers giving me a ride home; to countless others who helped me on my way throughout my life. This is love through small kindnesses and I seem to be blessed by thousands of such people.
* Friends who through time saw my value of a person when others would not see my value; and supported me well beyond what friends would get; even letting me stay with them rent free during my most difficult moments of my life journey; especially on this pilgrimage. Love through caring more than usual and seeing my worth as a being. Many did this when I myself could not see my own worth as a being.
* Strangers who would contribute towards my finances since I left California. Some strangers that became friends. Some strangers who remain strangers and people I have not met yet. They believed in my journey for a myriad of reasons. This is a kind of love borne of hope. A love borne of inspiration.
* Those who provided me with spiritual services for trade or for free. This is the kind of love spirituals see in each other and help because of their belief in helping one another for a greater good.
* All friends and strangers who provided me with free food. Love and compassion for others from within.
Why did I replace love with lust at a young age? I was suffering a lot back then. I do not know or remember any details. I just remember that if all of this was a result of love; I did not want it. I wanted to simply surpass this suffering; and surpass my human limitations. Lust promised the fuel for all of that. The anger, the feeling of lack, the strength, and determination. Lust became my drive for my two human goals and brought me to this present moment. Lusting after other beings, in my case females, is a very small part of the overall picture, but that too, became part and parcel of Lust. Lust for more. Lust for becoming better. You get the picture. There is much more, but that is for another topic for another post someday.
Lust has served me well up until now, when the price started to rack up and became untenable. The price became disproportionately high and I had no more to pay. My pursuit of the spiritual has placed me where I must now do some actual work with regards to love. Love and Lust do not belong in the same space together. They cannot co-exist harmoniously with regards to me.
There was a recent incident where I was approached by two men that turned into one of them touching my genitalia as a gesture of sexual activity. Upon suggestions from two different people; I reflected some and realized that they were looking to make money by selling sexual services; which makes a lot of sense given the context and community; and that this was the lust in my heart magnetizing these two men; and therefore a test of some sort.
One thing is clear. I need to find out the exact phrasing I can use to tell others that I am basically on a path of celibacy to make explanations straightforward; and it is the reflection of the next steps I must take for the time being on this journey with Love.
I think I must be on this path of celibacy until I can build up my own brand of Love. Not to take Love itself back into my life; not to let Lust reside in my heart further; but instead, build my own brand and version of Love to take residence in my being / heart.
I am a different being. I am not of Love and Light. I am not a good guy. I am not a hero in the sense I thought I would like to be when I was younger. I am something and someone that is simply different in the eyes of many. Building my own brand of Love is the next step towards realizing this experientially.
More to come.
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