Between a Rock & A Hard Place... Again

Well... shucks.

This is a large gap between status - I only gave a high level summary overview last time with not much details; and a bit over a month later, I am going to bring y'all *really* up to speed with details that there were no indications of in my past posts.

I'm not in the greatest place at the moment. I am near the end of my rope. I feel like a caged animal who only see adversaries on all sides and a spiky corner that I have my back against. This is what I perceive. The truth is... ... ... probably not so bad.

The thing is, quite a fair amount of it is my own damn fault, my own damn doing. Ready for more quickie points? Here they come:

A tax problem that has haunted me since 2009 struck hard back in September of 2018, freezing my bank account. Trying to deal with it is like being in the worst and longest Dilbert cartoon and being on the customer end of the most nightmarish call center / customer support hotline you can imagine. After months of this, it is clear they have no intention of working with me. They want me on my terms. At one point, they were threatening me with arrest when I return to the USA. For those of you that are in the know, the entity I was dealing with is the California Franchise Tax Board. That should tell you a lot of what you need to know about my experiences.

I'm a bit of a one trick pony. I'm a tech guy who isn't as enthusiastic about tech as he once was because he wants to live a life with more integrity from the top level, down to the most minute lowest level. Living more from my heart and soul. Staying far away from the 9to5 rat race I was a slave to for many years. So, basically I do my one trick pony routine just enough to make sure I don't starve and be malnourished; and can somehow have something resembling a roof over my head and something resembling a pillow under my head. I can't do much else for various reasons.

For what I do and the style I do it in, isn't in much demand. The industry has long ago spoken and the world has adjusted to work with it, and I am well outside of that. My potential clientele and workload apparently matches how minimal I want to be. A little too well.

I had a couple of "remote support" clients in the USA I was doing work for on a regular basis that kept me going until around November. I was able to take advantage of a logistical loophole to trickle that income into local currency for myself.

I got lucky and had some help from a few kind friends in Guadalajara that was able to tide me over since November, knowing and agreeing that this is a time limited arrangement. My roommate also helped by giving me a break on some of my living arrangement obligations.

Usually things are nearly dead service demand wise from November until Feburary, so thing were really tight for those months.

In the meanwhile, things were really heating up in The Realms for my TS, Rovitomial, and I was doing my part as much as I was capable. I spent a lot of my time in the last several months going through my integration process and participating in the Realms. A lot of pressure was being placed on both of us. In December, I went into a hermit "mode" and isolated myself from everyone, whether it was here physically, spiritually, and from the group with other people and their TS'es that were on a similar path as mine.

At least I was still able to save a bit of money every week. Every week, I was able to squirrel away 500 pesos ($30 USD), by sacrificing much, and being vigilant. The efforts of the past 13 months were on their way to bearing fruit.

The combination of these elements made things really hard for me for the last few months, as I felt overwhelmed, drained, scatter-brained, stressed, and alone. There did not seem to be any end in sight in resolving my immediate issues; and I fell into a place of lack, and started to desire all sort of things to make my life better. This only resulted in making problems and suffering worse.

At the beginning of February, I was dealt a major setback: First, all the savings I had accumulated ever since arriving in Mexico in October of 2017 was lost. The envelope I kept my savings in was simply gone. I had about 17,000 pesos (about $1000 USD) in that envelope.

The second setback that happened was the loophole I was using to trickle in cash was closed, cutting me off.

So, no US income, broke, no real way to get local income. I have one move left up my sleeve, but it is only temporary and will only delay the inevitable. At the same time, Rovitomial, out of necessity for many reasons that caught a lot of attention, placing more pressure on him, and on his weak spot: me.

I checked with a few disconnected, separate sources and found that what was happening in my life as Peter was in fact being influenced by the events happening in the Realms surrounding Rovitomial.

I was also informed that I was a co-creator of my situation because I have a tendency to not ask for help, and thinking that I can be self reliant all the time in every endeavor. It has become enough of a problem that it is hampering my progress in multiple ways.

So, here I am. I need to Surrender:

I need to surrender my desires and efforts to help Rovitomial in the Realms.

I need to surrender my spiritual purpose as an incarnation.

I need to surrender all my desires as Peter.

I need to surrender the possible outcome that I could be successful in my endeavors as Peter.

I need to surrender that I would continue to live.

I need to surrender my Life.

This was just too much for little ol' me, who is a barely functioning human, an empath. I feel too much tension inside of me. I feel too much "resistance" to keep "fighting the good fight". Whatever I have pit myself against is much more capable than I currently am and I need to recognize that.

But.... What does Surrendering actually mean?

My mind immediately jumped to a friend of mine, named Red who would know about the subject, as she had spent much of her life learning this. A conversation that lasted a few hours later, what I came up with was: "Think of it as a strategic retreat. You are not quitting, compromising, or giving up your original intent. Instead, you are acknowledging when you are not truly ready, or even truly know your pathway foward in the larger scheme of things."

I am about to embark on a Pilgrimage of Surrender by walking about 192 kilometers, (120 miles) from Guadalajara to Talpa de Allende. My intention during this Pilgrimage is to experience this Surrender. Unlike last year, I am walking almost twice the distance, with almost no money, and very little food and water in the pack, as it is my circumstances at present; and at the same time, inviting myself to Surrender along the way.

I will be leaving sometime within 6 days, and will be gone for about 2 to 3 weeks. All I will have with me is my sleeping bag, my pack, my phone to act as a GPS, compass, and camera; and a small battery pack to extend the phone's life.

Part of my route is through a very large forest where only parts of the road are confirmed. Most of the way will be lined with vendors selling food, drink, and restroom access. I will be at the mercy of the Universe.

I am both scared and excited. Can I pull this off?

ADDENDUM: A pair of friends donated some money to me via PayPal, which is also being monitored; so I cannot use it right now. I can figure out how to handle it later, after I come back from the Talpa pilgrimage.

All I have at this point is Gratitude. Authentic, sincere Gratitude.